Broetry ego masturbation – a ‘Read Me’ exercise

Chapter 1, Workout One exercise from ‘Read Me’ by Roger Horberry & Gyles Lingwood

“write us a long copy piece on ‘Why everyone should commit an imprisonable offence some time in their lives’.”


Broetry ego masturbation

Official health warning

issued by the Ministry for health


In the last few weeks, the UK has experienced a pandemic of LinkedIn broems. Experts are warning this virulent strand of ego masturbation, which first appeared in entrepreneur forums in the US, is highly contagious.


What to look out for

  • Odious posts made up of single-line paragraphs in the guise of an inspirational message
  • Blatant self-gratification
  • Crusty, stained or worn off Enter/Return key markings


How to contain an outbreak

  • Quarantine the infected person in their home by changing the locks when they’re asleep. As an additional precaution, delete all their virus-infested social media accounts.
  • Spray the word ‘pillock’ over their car in whipped cream. This doesn’t do much to prevent the outbreak spreading but it does make you feel a lot better inside.


How to protect yourself

  • Wash your hands regularly and coat all keyboards in disinfectant to stop any transfer of faux inspirational messages.
  • Get vaccinated against broetry at your GP if you’re aged 21-41 and therefore more at risk.
  • If you’re unable to delete a LinkedIn connection because the infected person is your boss, make sure you wear a cockerel design baseball cap at every meeting to remind them what an insufferable prick they are.


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